Why sexual incompatibility does not mean the end of a relationship

Have you ever started dating someone amazing – who checked all the metaphorical “boxes” – only to sexualize them that are actually… evil? Getting ready to meet someone you love can conjure up visions of an orgasmic experience. But what happens when you finally meet your amazing new boo and it’s a huge disappointment? You may be dealing with a case of sexual incompatibility.

If you meet someone who doesn’t seem to have the same likes, skills, or stamina as you do in the bedroom, it can be tempting to chalk it up to a case of bad sex and be done with it. However, intimacy coach and licensed psychologist Dr. Jacqueline Sherman doesn’t see it that way – her view is that most of these people probably didn’t try to establish sexual compatibility in the first place. “A lot of times they haven’t communicated the sex they were hoping for, or experimented enough to get different results,” she tells Bustle.

If you have found yourself in this situation, you are certainly not alone. While it’s perfectly legitimate to be disappointed in a not-so-good relationship with someone who seems completely promising, writing it off because of the experience can make you miss something good. So, is sexual compatibility possible? Here’s what experts say about how to be sexually compatible with a partner.

What makes partners sexually compatible?

It’s easy to think that having sex with a partner depends on whether the sex you share is “good” or not. In practice, the board-certified sex therapist and sex therapist Dr. Gloria Brame told Bustle that this may be true, but it can only be as far as deeper factors are at play. . ” Above, [the definition of sexual compatibility] it sounds simple: you both feel physically attracted to each other, enjoy the same things in bed, and share the same needs for intimacy… unfortunately, underneath the surface can’ g there are other forces at work that sabotage compatibility,” he said.

According to Cortina Peters, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Sex Educator, and “The Girlfriend Therapist,” having sex with someone is more than whether you can have “good” sex right away. “You and your partner don’t have to enjoy the same things to be sexually compatible,” she told Bustle. For example, Peters explains that you and your partner may have opposite arousals that are complementary and satisfying to both of you — such as one partner preferring to give oral sex and the other preferring to receive.

Beyond the more basic qualities of the sex life you have with your partner, Dr. Sherman that collaboration is a big factor that makes it happen. to reach them, collectively,” he said. While your skills in the bedroom or shared fantasies are good steps to good couple sex, your mutual openness and willingness to continue to find ways to please each other more and have a satisfying sex life together are also true signs of sexual love. compatibility.

How to Improve Sexual Compatibility

Predictably, Peters says that the most influential way to develop positive behavior in your sexual relationship is through communication. “When you and your sexual partner are open and honest about your sexual wants and needs, you create space for sexual exploration,” she tells Bustle.

A simple exercise suggested by Dr. The only way to start building a better sex life is to agree on some new things you both want to try in the bedroom. “This is not a screed where you express your wishes, but an exercise in learning to work together towards goals,” he said. “For example, if one partner wants to have sex three times a week and the other only wants it once a month, you can find a compromise that allows both of them to feel like they got what they wanted out of their agreement. »

Dr. also recommended. Sherman masturbates with your partner as a way to show what really turns you on and show him how he can use it in his own technique. “Mutual masturbation is one of the best teaching tools,” he said. Bonus: Both of you will experience happiness. Dr. Sherman says guiding your SO through verbal seduction or physical touch can also help.

Understanding and controlling your partner’s sexuality involves more than the act itself. Peters says a lot of regular behavior outside the bedroom is what makes it so successful. These three elements include “the ability to understand that your partner may like things you don’t”, “open and honest communication about the things you like, the things you don’t like and the things you want to try” and, “sexual evaluation throughout the duration of intercourse. Being flexible and open-minded, receptive to what your partner shares about their preferences, and making a constant effort to continue building your sexual connection are all ways to find out your true sexual compatibility.

Does sexual incompatibility mean the end of a relationship?

There are many reasons why your first meeting with a new partner may not be enthusiastic. A mismatch in sexual experience, habits you’ve developed in the bedroom, or even a difference in sexual drive can cause your first romp into the sheets to leave a lot to be desired. As all of our experts have explained, however, these obstacles can be overcome through teamwork and lots of – you guessed it – communication.

Key too? Peters stresses that it’s important to change your perception of “wrong” sex — especially when wants, needs, and desires are not communicated. “Many factors are not compatible with sex considering whether casual sex partners are exploring all the things that contribute to creating sexual compatibility,” he said. For example, guiding your partner to push harder if you find they are too soft, for example, may change the quality of sex. It all depends on how open you are with each other about what turns you on or off, both in and out of the bedroom.

When it becomes clear that you are dealing with a potential case of sexual incompatibility, it is easy to become a little defeated and think that the end is near. After all, you can’t be with someone who doesn’t match your erotic energy, right? According to Dr. Brame, this shouldn’t happen. “Sex isn’t the whole point of a relationship,” she says. “Different couples prioritize sex in different ways. Some couples tolerate little or no sex and sublimate their energies in other areas of their lives. Think about hobbies, career, children, etc. Then there are others who don’t want to miss out on all the fun of good sex. It is the latter group, Dr. Brame says, it’s easier to leave relationships and find new partners.

If you’re willing to work toward sexual satisfaction with a new SO without being ticked off at first, however, Peters says many couples can overcome sexual incompatibility simply by being open and honest. about getting what they want. So the next time this happens to you, if you “use your mouth” (pun intended), you might be glad you did.


dr. Jacqueline Shermanlicensed psychologist and sex/intimacy coach

Gloria Bramegraduate sexologist and sexologist

Cortina PetersLicensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Sexuality Educator and “The Girlfriend Therapist”

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