“Neither too close nor too far”, the challenges of the father-daughter relationship

Rose, 10, already knows what she will give her father on his birthday in a few weeks. “I’ll make him pocket for his beautifully designed papers”, he said in a shy voice. The girl was looking for her father “kind”. It though “The Best Dad in the World”. He was attracted. And he did well. “He was mad at his daughter, said the mother. Their relationship is really strong. » Yves, 50, is also happy to have a daughter: “As a man, I don’t know much about the female universe and I say it to myself nya, I know women better. »

While every relationship between parent and child is unique, the relationship between father and son is unique in many ways. This is the first time the little girl has had one important and lasting emotional relationship with the opposite sex, according to psychoanalyst Didier Lauru, author of Father daughter. A story to watch (Albin Michel, 2020). This man is to serve as a reference throughout his life, not only as a father, but also as a man. »

Very early, at the ages of two or three, the girl turns away from her mother to be interested in her father, whom she tries to seduce. This is what Sigmund Freud called the Oedipus complex more than a century ago. Marco, a father of two, clearly knows the character of his 3-year-old daughter. “She was trying to seduce me”said this 43-year-old former postman, recently trained in psychology.

A model or counter-model

So, what is at stake in the father-daughter relationship, “It has become a woman, the success of love and even professional lifeanalysis Véronique Moraldi, psychotherapist and author of Son of his father. The Father-Daughter Relationship: A User’s Guide (Les Éditions de l’homme, 2011). The way he looked at her was very important. She will give him confidence and open the doors to the male world. »

If later, if the teenager is heterosexual, “The father will serve as a model or counter-model for his romantic choices, looking at Didier Lauru. The partner can be like him or very different ”. Béatrice, 66, is known to have chosen a man “opposite” to a father he admires, but with whom he has a conflicting relationship.

The father’s look, but also the way he responds to his daughter’s attempts at seduction can be judgmental, insisting on “shrinking”. “If the little girl says she’s going to marry her dad and he lets her believe it’s possible, that’s obviously a bad thing.confirmed by Didier Lauru. On the other hand, if he says to her:TYou’re my dear little girl, but you know we’re not getting married. One day you will grow up and find someone you will love “, he would give her permission to have a relationship with someone other than herself. »

Even without, he was sublimated

The father’s attitude and the compliments he gives to his daughter will also leave a lasting mark on him. If she insists only on her beauty and her femininity grace, she risks being locked into this register, whereas if she also values ​​her intellect and her ability to succeed, “It will give him the keys to the professional world that is still dominated by menlined up with Véronique Morardi. Lack of recognition from the father will always push the daughter to seek recognition from the boys, sometimes by seeking to cover them..

Whether near or far, the father plays an important role in the psychic construction of the little girl. “ If he fails, he will dream of an imaginary father, sublimatedthe therapist continued, which also has significant consequences in her love life because she risks remaining in a position of waiting for an absent and unreachable man. »

Cécile, 48, admitted that she was always kind to her father, when he was away. “He worked all the time and showed little interest in me.he said. But I made him ideal. Our relationship was very conflicted but I admired her more than my mom. »

If the father is present, it does not prevent the daughter from imagining “Better father”said Didier Lauru. “Children love to imagine that they belong to another family, but an ideal father figure can lead to the anticipation of Prince Charming.»

A relationship that is thriving tremendously

A loving father, kind and curious about the feminine universe “strengthen her daughter’s sense of confidence and allow her to be a free creatureassures Véronique Moraldi. But intimacy doesn’t mean a “loving” father will say yes to everything,for the womanrisk to beforever attached to him and not to find a partner to match him ”, warns the specialist.

If in the past fathers were always far apart, the father-daughter relationship has changed dramatically since the 1970s. Today, fathers are close to their daughters and sometimes even live close together. relationships with them, says Valérie Colin-Simard, a journalist who used to be a psychologist. ., author of Fathers today, daughters tomorrow (Anne Carriere, 2003). “Some are pretty protective, he analyzes. Others, unlucky in love, transfer their affection to their daughter. However, these fusion relationships can create an incestual climate, in all its unconsciousness, and have devastating consequences. »

The father must not stand “very close, not too far” of his daughter, as well as Didier Lauru. “If the relationship is very close, it is up to the mother to impose limits, as the father must do in the mother -child relationship, recalls for her part Véronique Moraldi. But if everyone does their part, all is wellhe added. A present and invested father is an opportunity for a daughter and a good example for choosing his romantic partner. »


Paternity leave is extended by one year

Since 1er July 2021paternity and childcare leave for 25 split days, compared to 11 consecutive days previously.

For a birth, the duration is set at 25 calendar days divided into two periods: a period of 4 days taken immediately after maternity leave and another 21 days. In the event of multiple births, the duration of the leave is 32 days.

To benefit, you must be the father of the child and an employee of a CDI, CDD or temporary contract. If the mother lives as a couple (marriage, PACS or cohabitation) on another wage other than the father of the child, the latter can also benefit from it.

Paternity leave is paid through Social Security under the same conditions as maternity leave.



Father daughter, a story to watch, by Didier Lauru, Albin Michel, 2020, 240 p., € 7.90.

Based on the stories of women listened to in his psychoanalyst practice, Didier Lauru sheds light on issues in the father-daughter relationship.

Son of his father. The teachings of the father-daughter relationship, by Véronique Moraldi and Michèle Gaubert, Les Éditions de l’homme, 2011, 272 p., € 22.

The authors address all aspects of the father -daughter bond and provide advice to facilitate the ever -complicated relationship.

Fathers today, daughters tomorrow, by Valérie Colin-Simard, Anne Carrière, 2003, € 4.86.

A former journalist, Valérie Colin-Simard collected separate testimonies from fathers and their daughters.

A year with my father, by Geneviève Brisac, Editions de l’Olivier, 2010, 180 p., € 16.

The novelist is accompanied by his father who was seriously injured in a road accident that claimed his mother’s life. A shining testimony to the mourning and the father-daughter relationship.


Like a father like a daughter, by Olivier de Plas (2006)

Bruno, an immature thirtysomething, discovers that he is the father of 13-year-old Nancy. After rejecting his fatherhood, he decided to start from the left and listen to his daughter, in the midst of a teenage crisis.

Most Promising Actress, by Gerard Jugnot (2000)

Yvon Rance, Brittany’s hairdresser, wants her beloved daughter to be a hairdresser in a big salon. But Laetitia, she dreams of cinema.

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