Every Thursday at It doesn’t spin around, Mardi Noir, psychologist and psychoanalyst, answers your questions. Whatever your questions are, in your relationship with others, the world or yourself, write them down [email protected]all your emails will be read.
Dear Black Tuesday,
I’ve been dating a guy for three years that I love, but it’s not easy and I don’t know what I want anymore.
When we met, he was living together and was also my supervisor. Our story got stronger as we went along, and we never stopped seeing each other.
A professional opportunity presented itself, he seized it to work in another city. I followed him, he was still in the company. For me, it is a return to my region, a good professional opportunity, and of course, to be with him. His partner also follows him, although the relationship between them has become stale over time. I learned for myself that he offered to follow her, without talking to me about it. They still live under the same roof.
Our relationship is not official at this point, although in recent months he has been talking more about us planning a common future.
For the first time this summer, we left together for a few days. Everything is fine. But one night he dug through my phone and found vague messages from a co-worker and photos of past relationships. With this partner, two nights actually went wrong, but it didn’t go on after that. I didn’t tell him everything I did, but neither did he, and I was always brought up with a real form of independence of spirit.
I know I’ve made mistakes, including this one. But I always followed him, loved him, listened to him, and chose him first, even though his partner knew nothing about our relationship and the context was unclear.
Now everything is complicated: he feels betrayed (I knew about his situation and I lied to him, no one but me is on his side), control everything I do (messages, calls, trips) , don’t let me go. , saying that he lost confidence while confirming that he has forgiven me and wants to marry me and spend time with me. He wants to do everything with us, he doesn’t understand that I have a boyfriend, etc. His partner pushed him to say that there was someone else because he already suspected, he already knew.
As for me, I’m tired and I can’t justify myself anymore. I also sometimes feel betrayed, not listened to, not prioritized in our relationship (usually I have the impression of not being understood, chasing, hiding) but I still try to understand him and adjust. I want time, calm, listening because I am afraid of not finding a satisfactory balance. With him first, but in general the same. The problem must be mine.
All this is complicated by my professional situation, exposed and by his side for many years. I take care of him but I have to be me; I don’t think it’s all my fault despite my imperfections but I’m starting to lose all self-confidence and all faith in my ability to be happy.
What can I do to get better, reflect and move on?
Thanks for your help,
Agatha
Dear Agatha,
In general, I end my columns with this advice: “go and see a reduction”. This may be the case, but you didn’t mention it. However, to find out what is happening to you and achieve a better understanding of yourself, your desires, your possibilities, it is wise to go and present this situation to a professional.
You say more than you think you say, the imaginary subtext screams through your words, subtext I don’t know but I’m burning to find out more. Only, I can answer you in writing and I will do my best. Of course, these are just assumptions.
Several words in your story jumped out at me: “freedom of spirit”, “companion” and “betrayal”. And there’s something you don’t say. You will not express the desire to reconcile with him, that he will leave his official wife for you.
Basically, I wonder if this situation as shown from the beginning is not the imaginary agreement of this union. A woman at home, who takes care of all the logistics of the couple, who guarantees your freedom of thought, leaves you – and that’s a good thing – completely in your love for this man. This woman, quiet, careful, undemanding (at least from what is reported to you) is the link of this relationship. Its role seems to be very large. He is the balance point in the scales of your desires.
And then, you may have your confusion about the romantic commitment that results in this choice of a man being taken. Well, we’ve seen it a hundred times. That doesn’t say it all, and I certainly won’t say it all in this answer. On the other hand, you, you have said a lot, you have the answers.
What is not clear is choosing the love of your hierarchical superior. It seems that the idea of being in a couple, belonging to another (I’m talking about the unconscious here: to all the wise men who read me, don’t take these words literally to control your partners) is transferred here by chance you will be placed twice under the thumb of your boss. Until he is busy elsewhere, let him find his wife (this “person” in your words: “On his side there is no one”), you can enjoy this situation without fear. And then boom.
What it discovers on your phone is important
Eventually he found out. Note that you or he does not reveal your solidarity to him. He is the one trying to find more. Definitely, he seems to have a lot of power, he might be enough to be the turkey of the joke. I would like to know a little more, more, about this chronology.
From what you wrote, he knows after your vacation this summer where “everything is fine” until he digs your cell phone. First stay in three years two, and he is looking for a small animal, and when you look, you see. Does this step towards a possible formalization of your union make this person doubt his desire? Was it through this act, he subconsciously admitted that the life of two and only two without a third or fourth thief was of no interest to him?
What he discovers on your phone is fundamental, this is what surely pleased him from the beginning with you: you are independent. But these messages with this partner may be too raw a way for him to admit what he wants. It is revealed there without turning back. His fantasy is revealed and it seems unbearable. So he plays his role of hierarchical superior, he controls you.
I may just be writing nonsense, that’s a possibility, but could you show him this article and discuss it with him? And if I say something, you can make fun of me together, to strengthen your bonds. I accept no problem to play this hyphen person if it helps you.
And if not, if it’s too far, if you or he can’t talk about it, be careful, take time while you write it well and say it around you and in a reduction.